Super City Accord to be based on China Free Trade Agreement.

It has been revealed that Auckland will soon be super sized and pro activated under a new accord based loosely upon the fine print contained within our recent Chinese Free Trade Agreement. Since the world's best capitalists have all clearly turned out to be communist, and the world's biggest capitalists are now all socialist, this can only be a good thing. That tremendous democratically-proactive trio of Jaykay, Banksie and Rodney Super Hide, (yellow-jacketed bossanova to the stars) have finally unfettered our magnificent yet somewhat super-leaky Super City from the developmental shackles of democracy and consultation.

It has been advised that quarrelsome and somewhat recalcitrant tall poppy Taiwan-style Mayor from over the bridge, Andrew What's-his-face, has been gently captured and sent on a sister-city tour to the outer regions of Tibet. Here he will undergo a re-education program based on the gentle testicular cattle prod diplomacy for which our Chinese trade partners are so well renowned. Yes, they don't call it Party Central for nothing. Surprisingly some citizens in the outer regions of the proposed co-prosperity sphere have expressed concerns over being controlled by a bunch of useless Vicky Ave pseuds. Hordes of disgruntled ratepayers from the Southernmost Cantons of Auckland, wishing to express their dissatisfaction with Auckland's new Cultural Revolution, surged into the central confines of our poorly insulated Supercity yesterday. Too stupid to find even a simple motorway off-ramp, the suspicious South Aucklanders remain locked and lost just beyond the outskirts of Mt Albert.

Clearly this is all to the good, since central city parking is difficult at the best of times.
The Greens of course, have not taken all this lying down. Furiously pedaling back to their shared flat in Mt Eden, they hastily tabled and debated a stringent set of non-binding resolutions which clearly outline their unrelenting yet passive objections to the proposed uber-accord. This raft of gentle yet helpful resolutions, steering well clear of the difficult ecological concepts of natural capital, peak oil theory and carbon usage philosophies, are instead centered around hemp, recycled bicycles tyres, transcendental meditation and new recipes for hash cookies. Thinking globally and acting locally, they were unable to decide whether they supported a referendum on local democracy or not. Originally intending to rush their super-tome straight back in to Super Jafa Central, it would seem that the weighty recycled document, printed entirely on recycled election pamphlets, lays forgotten and discarded beneath Nandor Tanzos' hubbly bubbly. This may be a good thing since, although the frank yet honest string of non-binding resolutions seemed brilliant at the time, clear light of day revealed them to be the incoherent ramblings of some bickering old hippies, totally full of crap.
Ah yes, reply the Greenies, but many good things grow from crap.
The Labour Party, friends of the diminishing pool of working class New Zillanders, has proposed a new referendum; "To what degree, as part of good governance, should Rodney Hide be smacked bodily and about the face with democracy and consultation?". Labour heavy weight Parekura Horomia, former Associate Minister for Lots of Things, has proposed that to fight this assault on local democracy, Labour box on with the formation of a new fish and chips brigade. Phil Goff has promised that, should Labour ever get in again, they promise to hold many Commissions of Inquiry should anything further sort of, well you know, go wrong.
That veritable Sun Yat-Sen of Auckland, Chairman Banksie has been quick to extol the virtues of Asian businesses. I mean its not as if the heart of our good city died or anything. Noting that the new breed of businesses often pay less GST, PAYE and FBT than their slower witted Kiwi counterparts, we also should appreciate that China has much faster intranet speeds, Chairman Banksie has hinted that many of the new Supercity bureaucrats may actually be Aucklanders.
Meanwhile, the Job Summit has produced a plethora of job-saving ideas. Mainly, that we import container loads of Chinese-made spoons. Teams of Wellington based consultant economists have suggested that, by using these Chinese made spoons to dig the new cycling superhighway, we will create employment and still get to use the containers they came in to house recalcitrant local politicians.
Overly-qualified Dr Pita Sharples has urged that, in an effort to avoid the wastelands of apartheid experienced in other countries, we should ethnically cleanse our Super City Governance from any overly evil vestiges of that awful remnant of imperialist colonialism - the Westminster democratic system. Sharples urges that Maori should not only be no longer required to meet any sort of standard in entering our university education system, and may soon suggest that they should no longer be required to meet any sort of standard to graduate and get out. This should further level the great playing fields of education in our great quasi-economy.
In separate news Chairman Banksie has allegedly hinted that Victoria Park is soon to be re designated as a massive parking zone for Hong Kong based Wilson Parking. Wilson Parking, commended for its standards in fighting corruption to the very core of its directorship, has utterly denied any such plans. Parking zones are as we all know, far less profitable than the soaring towers of leaky and poorly insulated P-Labs that now constitute Auckland city's bustling adhocracy. Fisher and Paykel, now partly owned by Chinese interests, are to commence an extremely loud vibrating range of washing machines all to be auctioned off through Trade-Me.
Also just to hand direct from Party Central, tourists from a cruise liner returned from their Queen Street shopping spree, laden with Asian made Maori tiki and discounted taonga, only to find that their cruise liner had in fact been towed away. Chairman Banksie has suggested that the tourists, though somewhat disappointed, may have to wait for the next series of Fair Go to claim their cruise liner back.
Rest assured fellow Jafas - our democratic institutions, resting comfortably as they do on the toredo worm-infested piles of democratic consultation, are probably still in good hands.