World Class Sheds

Party central is going to be world class, so stop your wingeing. Probably the best in the Southern Hemisphere.

Let's stop all this negativity - the same kind of negativity we had when we were building our world class party facilities for the America's Cup. You know, the ones that would pay for themselves and provide world class permanent facilities, hopefully the biggest in the Southern Hemisphere, for exactly this kind of event in the future. Now just look at how those world class facilities transformed and improved our Supercity electorate, hell you can barely get a park down there now. To think that ratepayers are still complaining about all this is negative in the extreme and yet here we all are again, doing it all over again, and all with with exactly the same sort of negativity, skepticism and anti-Auckland sentiment, especially from those confused prospective SuperCity ratepayers, cringing in awe, south of the Bombays.

What better way to show the world that Godzone is no longer about rugby, racing and beer than by hosting a really big pissup with beer, pokies and rugby in some big synergised corrugated tin sheds? Let's not muck around with water features, Len Lye wind wands, Maori cultural centres or all that socialist architectural claptrap - let's instead get the ratepayer to buy tourists what they really need - another big boozer with big screen rugby, all backed by world class urinals. I can just imagine the tourists now, peering querulously down from their swine flu infested cruise liners, onto the brawling, vomiting, foul mouthed and recently retrenched beer crowds below, and uttering in complete awe, "My word, absolutely world class. Probably one of the biggest in the Southern Hemisphere".

Those of the more adventurous and less swine flu infected tourists would then make their way through the brawling masses and into the bars where they could ask, somewhat optimistically, "Barman, good fellow, please purvey a bottle of your finest Marlborough Pinot Noir". Just imagine the bartender now, no doubt some retrenched accountant, horribly over qualified, rummaging around the back of the old tin sheds, only to reappear minutes later to respond, "Sorry mate I've checked the big rusty fridge out back but there's no red wine so you'll have to have a beer instead".

All followed by piping hot plates full of sausie rolls, salt laden chips and runny meat pies, not just any sausage rolls and meat pies mind, but savouries that fall in amongst the biggest and best within the whole of the Southern Hemisphere.

And don't forget the marty sauce.

Having said that, let's hope those froggies get knocked out of the cup early.

We might want a good look at those wharf piles though. I think they were rather overlooked in the flurry of financial transactions that have transformed this wharf from a dilapidated rat infested jetty into prospectively one of the biggest and most individual wharf complexes within the entire Southern Hemisphere, certainly much better than Darling Harbour. It is exactly this sort of financial genius - selling the wharf into trust, on behalf of the confused ratepayer, buying it back again thus vamping up its historical cost, funding its refurbishment, only to sell bits of it off to friendly developers, which has left the rest of the country sprawling in the dust and gasping for air.

Jaffas lead the way mate - know it and run with it.

Auckland has already been irrevocably transformed by just this sort of brilliant and individually unique architectural genius. This whole shed, transformed by synergised teams of unqualified yet proactive businessmen, will no doubt be at least 1 or possibly even 2 metres longer than anything those woeful Aussies can possibly muster. Remember the brilliant and individually unique Skytower? Of course those spurious damned Aussies with their negativity and sarcasm would claim that they built theirs decades before and that their tower is actually higher than ours and that Toronto has one as well, and oh yeah so do the Japs. They then intimated that our tower may somehow show signs of roof leakage. In a brilliant act of architectural genius however, probably the loftiest architectural genius in the Southern Hemisphere, we pipped those bastards right at the post (note racing analogy) by sticking that pointy bit on the top.
Hordes of Europeans, anxious to explore the far extremities of our Super Hemisphere, now flood down into our supercity just to marvel at this pointy bit and to make bad taste jokes about the Twin Towers as they bungy jump down into the swarming crowds of recently redundant, somewhat confused, rate paying recalcitrants below.

Absolutely world class.

Again right after we built the brilliant and individually unique coat hanger there were those annoyingly immediate and typically negative comparisons to the Sydney one. Why must our sheer creativity and genius be continually met by this sheer wall of rate-paying negativity? Right away those bloody Aussies started saying that theirs was older, bigger, less prone to having the side bits fall off - well ha ha, we will surely have the last laugh here by cleverly failing to upgrade our bridge and thereby letting it fall into a complete state of utter disrepair. Ours will sneakily become the most reverently ancient coat hangar within the confines of the entire Southern Hemisphere.

They just don't learn those Aussies, do they? I think they are somewhat stubborn in world outlook. Copycat losers, that's what I say.

Of course there won't actually be any money to upgrade the bridge anyway, as we desperately need more funding for rugby-themed booze barns here in Super Jafa Central. It's what the tourists are flooding in for. Forget the ratepayer, just fund tourism. Just cast your eye up north to New Zealand's pinnacle of architectural genius, that amazing toilet, designed by a foreigner. Tiled and everything. Yes you know the one, up at Kawakawa, where we see that brilliantly positioned signpost - on one side "Bay of Islands", suggesting world renowned sparkling inlets, dolphins and marlin, as described by Cook and Mark Twain, on the other side, "Hundertwasser Toilet". We know what is best for our tourism in this country, world class toilets and I can just hear the Swiss and Japanese now, somewhat breathless having cycled all the way up on the edge of our world class motorway, pushing aside the lines of redundant and over qualified rock-breaking town planners, as they piss up against that beautifully tiled urinal wall in sheer and utter amazement - "Brilliant. Absolutely world class! Possibly the best in the Southern Hemisphere".

Clearly this far outranks anything those spurious Aussies ever achieved with that over inflated nun scrum nestled on the shores of their annoyingly beautiful harbour. A little too adventurous perhaps? I bet they only wished they had crammed more bars and TV's into that thing, that there was altogether less opera going on and far more beer and world class urinals, designed by foreigners, as we have so proudly achieved in the more interesting corners of the world class, world renowned, and somewhat world visionary, yet not overtly individual, Southern Hemisphere.

Look the Opera House isn't bad - probably needed more of a rugby theme though.
One way to fund the Harbour Bridge upgrade may be to sell it into trust, on behalf of the ratepayer, pay an exorbitant cost to buy it back again, thereby rocketing up its net worth, then have the entire country fund its refurbishment, pay some friendly companies to fix it up and then sell off all the good bits to friendly people, whilst charging those bloody annoying North Shore ratepayers a stiff fee to come across each day.

All we need is simple regional agreement on this plan and this should save millions - well enough to pay for the Beckham fiasco anyhow.

Personally I feel people do not have enough confidence in John Banks as SuperJafa. I mean he ran Tony's for Helen's sake. Don't you guys even watch TV? Running a supercity is child's play compared to getting steak and chips out on time or making sure there is enough marty sauce to fulfill the unique and individual needs of each table. This guy has shown terrific leadership, having said said no to so many things - Britomart, the light rail system, Carlaw Park, and no to the ARC. He has said no in so many individual and creative ways, lets not be negative Nellies here. Hopefully we should get our world class California style Eastern Corridor (fastest in the Southern Hemisphere) just as GM and Chrysler go permanently and irrevocably out of business.
We don't always say no in this great supercity of ours though. We said yes to world class Beckham and yet look at those ratepayers still complaining! Honestly - no vision. Personally I felt venturing past the sacred confines of rugby was scary and pretty much fraught with danger from the outset.

We kind of dropped the ball (no pun intended) with the Waterfront Stadium though didn't we? It seemed like Auckland had difficulty communicating, or rather the middle, southern and western bits did since North Harbour was totally excluded from the entire debate right from the outset. I mean here was Auckland's chance to express its unique individuality, by painstakingly copying Wellington's Cake Tin (beautiful toilets in that thing, let me tell you), yet still keeping safely and squarely on the tried and true rugby theme. Anyway imagine building that thing only to watch the Froggies run off with your silverware?

Tragic.

Anyway does our rate payer even know what they want? Do they recognise genius when they see it? They don't want Eden Park upgrades, they don't want the Waterfront Stadium, they don't want to pay for Chunder Central. Have these recalcitrants no creative vision? They need to make their minds up soon, as there are only so many different ideas that our synergised teams of unqualified proactive businessmen, (while watching rugby and sculling beers as served by overly qualified recently retrenched architects), can muster.