Build A Bridge and Get Over It

Recent research indicates that a bunch of discarded stones found in an old field somewhere are conclusive proof that Polynesians were once ruled by some kind of Celtic master race. Although actual hard and fast evidence is yet to be tabled, experts all agree that there is no conceivable way in which ancient Polynesians, renowned for their world class feats of sea navigation, warfare and oral mastery, could possibly have randomly positioned a bunch of hoary old stones in the forgotten corner of a field somewhere.

Ancient oral culture has been unable to defend itself against this well respected and loosely documented ideology, coming as it does from the sustained ramblings of some crazed old hippy who, by sheer coincidence, happens to have been derived himself from a distantly Celtic background. This same man, now incoherent and well into his last bottle of sherry, has also postulated that the magnificent Zimbabwe fort, though positioned squarely in the middle of Africa, must surely be evidence of wandering lost Jewish tribes as distantly mentioned in somebody's version of the bible, which he has never actually read, or wandering Aryans who, having raced half way across the world, needed to suddenly stop and build a big old fort in the middle of nowhere just before they rapidly disappeared up the annals of time.

Ancient Polynesian cultures were cute and interesting yet nowadays seem somewhat limited in cultural acceptance. Certainly the younger generations of Iwi find it increasingly difficult to maintain their belief in ancient mythical tales of demi-gods, magical abilities, heavenly and worldly inter-travel and rampant blood-lust compared to the steadfast and more truthful European histories of Jesus Christ, King Arthur, Robin Hood and Santa Claus. Nevertheless Maori are making steady progress towards technological civilisation to the point where they actually sometimes buy into these rapidly drying pools of British colonial heritage, especially the tales of Robin Hood who was indeed a really nice generous guy, despite his noted habit of robbing and murdering people.

Maori Iwi are also notoriously and fracticiously tribal and warlike. This does not bode well compared to the noble array of Saxons, Jutes, Romans, Ancient Britains, Celts, Vikings and Norman French that underpin the unified Britain of today. It is clear that Maori tend to bicker amongst themselves and need to learn from their European colonisers, the British, Scottish, Welsh and Irish who always get along so well togethor and hardly ever argue, nestled as they are away in their seperate little parliaments, rarely harbouring resentment despite the messy and protracted intertribal linguistic wars that are hopefully now drawing to a slow and painful close. Clearly Maori lacked the technological abilities of these varied yet unified uber-races, and after Maori stupidly laid their guns down some 130 years ago, they have failed to push on and learn from the continuation of superior and more technological European violence, extending from the mass encampment of innocent civilians in the Boer War, a neat little town square massacre in India, Spanish Civil War, deadly conflicts centered on mass extermination in France and Belgium, which by the way seemed to disappointingly escalate into 2 world wars (one of them global), the resultant miserable and soulless extermination of Poles and Jews, the firebombing of innocent civilians in London and Berlin with the inevitable utter desolation of Russia as we know it, terminating with the nuclear annihilation of the Japanese at Hiroshima (who used to be our allies), and on through the sectarian religious tribal viciousness of the troubles in Northern Ireland (of which Britain effectively seemed to completely wash her hands), mass ethnic exterminations throughout Bosnia and Serbia (who used to be our allies), threatened nuclear conflicts with the Russians (also once our allies), and a minor yet somewhat entertaining side-scuffle with Argentina over a couple of windswept old islets which only a hobbled collection of remote and hairy old inbred farmers could ever give a tinker's cuss about. Oh and of course the oil wars. Whereas most Maori conflicts seemed to be over pathetic things such as food resources, territorial domination and survival, European conflicts have mostly held far loftier and noble causes, including, but not limited to, "the war to end all wars" (see World Wars I and II) and the spread of freedom, measles, civilisation and democracy, normally by brutally killing people.
Clearly these Maori, though entertaining at barbecues, are a violent, belligerent people whose former treachery must forever be held in suspicion.

Maori need to move on from the past, and stop living in the past, whilst never for a moment forgetting that they are all actually derived from wild savages. These radical Maori should really stop deriding the rapidly drying pools of British colonial sub-culture when it is well known that, if not for the heroic efforts of British medicine they would surely have all died from the brutal and tidal onslaught of disease and pestilence as brought over by the early fleets of thoughtful and caring Christian real-estate agents. The cannibal thing can be forgiven, but never forgotten, and it needs to brought up pretty much anytime these radical Maori latch onto any sort of valid political point. Interestingly Lacey and Danzinger in the No 1 bestseller "The Year 1000", a clever snapshot of life in England at the time, mention on page 183, "there were horrendous famines (in England) which forced men into cannibalism..." Shocking isn't it? Clearly this seems to suggest that in or around the Year 1000 AD Maori cannibals somehow embarked by canoe or Polynesian pirogue, navigated across distant voids, against tidal current and prevailing wind, found their way right unto the distant corners of Europe, disembarked upon the soft sandy shores of Albion and then proceeded to systematically and greedily feast themselves upon the innocent and unsuspecting carcasses of civilised English children.

They certainly had an uncanny maritime ability didn't they?

Thank goodness Maori are all Christians now and can instead focus on all that I am the blood of Christ stuff.

Maori also need to stop reminding us about that silly old treaty. Yes we wrote the scratchy old thing; made the promises; guided the trembling hands of various noble ariki over the burnished parchment; paid the glass beads; meticulously recorded it all, and then somehow failed to deliver on certain key central terms. It may be easy to stand there and say, "You stupid plonkers" - but through constantly reminding us about it you are becoming fractitious and somewhat annoying. Just because you were here first does not mean that you cannot share. Just build a bridge and jolly well get over it. Stop living in the past. Even though you are historically warlike tribal cannibals at heart. If those Europeans had not arrived, grabbed most of the land, cut it free from the developmental bugbears of rahui and rohe, chopped down all the trees, covered it over in sheep grazing and pine forest, polluted all the waterways and then leeched the land to the point where it is no longer good for anything bar residential subdivision by bankrupt white-shooed property developers from Queensland, we could never have brought the hallowed and intellectually advanced Western concept of ecological conservation and restoration that is now rapidly overtaking our good nation.

It has been a long and somewhat circular road for we Tauiwi.

Tainui, that noble race of fierce and proud warriors, have utterly failed to recognize just how flash we Pakeha can often be. For years they resisted giving up the whenua - even when we introduced them to the concept of limited yet ineffectual democracy, when King Dick Seddon horse-traded the power to vote, ring-fenced by the Maori electoral system, in order to get more land. Still they were slow in chasing that magnificent yet somewhat elusive white mirage. We, the Pakeha, then further encouraged their civilisation and development, coupled with the ability to get our hands on more land, by holding back construction of hospitals and schools in the Tainui region, forbidding the use of their language in public, and jolly well letting them know that they should be thankful that they were not colonised by South Africans or something. Or even worse, and God forbid, by those annoying French people, with their complicated concepts of fashion, cuisine, artistic endeavour, social housing, universal education, social equality, health schemes, amazing variety of perfumes and aftershaves, world class cellars of wine, focus on quality, beautiful table manners, furniture, pensive architecture, massively strong unit of currency, scientific and intellectual endeavour, concepts of beauty, beautiful design, delicious mayonnaise and the uncanny ability to dress astoundingly well in the morning. Maori today may find themselves penniless, asthmatic, unemployed, badly dressed and living in partially insulated leaky homes but at least we have introduced them to meat pies, marmite sandwiches and the superior technological advantages of no8 wire.

Their steadfast refusal to acknowledge the only partially debunked myth of Moriori (MoriOri? Maruiwi? hoary moris?), a small statured race of dark skinned space invaders, who obviously arrived just after the boatloads of flax- haired Celtic Kings, is bloody annoying to say the least. Obviously these people did exist, since we have renamed them so many times. As did the Tchakat Rekohu.

Putting it bluntly Maori just need to buck up. Like their friendly British-based intruders, they need to formulate wordy European-type verbal and ideological constructs which launch far up into the air soaring high up and away right over (and barely recognising) the relevant facts or detail pertaining to the historical issues of the time.

So let's just bloody well build a bridge and get over it.

(Editor's note; only joking)